The Boy I Watched From Afar!

Have you ever met someone so perfect for you in every way that you could imagine, yet they are way out of your league? Everything you do to get close to them turns out to be one big mistake. Even when you try to push them away, the memories of what could’ve happened and the memories that you could’ve shared haunt you forever.

Well, this is my story about falling for a guy who might doesn’t even remember my name anymore.

His name is perfect like him, but if I mentioned it here, that would confirm for him about me being a stalker. Which in reality, I am far from it. It’s just that when it comes to him, all my senses get blinded. My practical mind shuts itself off, and whatever decision I take ends up taking me further away from him.

I met this boy six years ago in a church. Quite the sign of God if you ask me. It was not your love at first, to be honest, I don’t even know if this is love. I was charmed not with his face but with that heart-stopping smile. He was a shy person, didn’t talk much. Which is why anytime he did, I made sure to shut and listen.

I always knew with both my heart and mind that he was way out of my league. I still think he is. But that is not the reason I am writing this blog instead of talking to him directly.

As I mentioned before, the reason for me not talking to him is that I don’t want him to think I am crazier. That is why I am writing in my room, pouring my eyes out and listening to Taylor swift Cornelia Street. It is the first time I am listening to this song but doesn’t know why it’s on repeat. I am not crying about rejection but because I finally realized that it was time to move on. I had given him enough space in mind, especially for something that will never happen.

It is not like I didn’t try. I tried not just now but six years before as well. However, being from a convent school has its drawback cause they don’t teach you how to talk to a boy or how long you have to wait before replying to them.

I messed up then with my less social skills and clumsy talk. Also, when I google searched to find songs by Coldplay and Rascal Flatts to make it seem that we have the same taste in music.

But it was not our lack of conversation I left him. It was because that he found someone else. It was because I couldn’t see him dancing with someone else, laughing with someone else, watching her receive such love from him that I left, shifting to the other side of town, far away from my old life.

Yet, even after six years when she left. I have no one else to put my blame onto but myself for ending our conversation now. Instead of talking to him directly, I messed up again. I went to chat with him under disguise. I texted him from my friend’s account. Even though I knew it was all wrong which is why I never fake my true self. I talked to him being me always. I kept going because the replies that I got from him enlightened that forgotten flame that I felt before. The happiness that rushed through me was electric. The hope kept rising. Not for long, though, because the replies got shorter and late. I knew my time was up.

So, with a heavy heart, I admit to everything. I came clean and apologized. I was expecting a shout, anger maybe, but he did the total opposite. He said it was cool and also followed me back from my real account.

There it was again that lost hope from six years before trying to encourage me. I started him from my account, and I got those replies again. But as they all say, the past comes back to haunt you even when you try to hide it. The text got shorter and slowly nonexistent.

Except, there are his stories that he uploads now and then. Then there is his music that touches your heart. Other than that, there is nothing.

As I come to the end of this long story, all I want is to apologize. I am sorry for everything. I never wanted to hurt or mislead you. I never wanted a relationship with you, okay, maybe in the future, but right now, all I wanted was a friendship.

I know you are busy with your life and are trying very hard to move away from your past. To which I wish you all the best. All I hope is that you see past this crazy side of mine and try to get to know the real me because I am a normal person in the future.

yours,

The Phoenix.